Emotion Sells

“These numbers can’t be right.”

“Double checked them myself, Chief. We asked over four-hundred customers to rate various product concepts utilizing the new tech. This was top of the list.”

“You’re telling me we’ve developed the most advanced synthetic neurological system ever devised, and this is how our customers want us to use it? This is honest-to-god thinking and feeling AI. If I tell the Board we’re going to build this—don’t lean on my desk—I’ll have the shortest CEO tenure in the company’s history. What about the nanny-bot? Or that personal therapy thing?”

“As you can see on page two, all the products scored well. But not everyone has kids, and a lot of folks found the therapist concept a bit creepy. This one had nearly universal appeal.”

“It’s kind of dark.”

“I agree. And these aren’t the results we anticipated. Personally, I suspect the development team added this concept to the survey as a joke. But the numbers don’t lie, and I mean, the appeal isn’t not understandable.”

“You’ve got to be kidding.”

“Well boss, when was the last time you had to deal with one? Doesn’t your assistant handle all that?”

“Point taken. But why exactly do they want this?"

“Like it says, they want to be able to hurt it when it messes up, and they want it to emote the pain, um, robustly.”

“Emote?”

“They want it to cry, beg, scream. A few would like it to writhe, if possible. I’ve asked the engineers to look into that. Basically, they want it to suffer.”

“That’s revolting. Hell, it’s probably immoral.”

“Legal thinks we’re in the clear.”

“What a surprise, but let’s not conflate legality with morality. Okay, look, if this is what our customers want, appalling as it is, can’t we just build one that does all that—the wailing and groaning and whatnot—but doesn’t feel any actual pain? We can simply tell people they suffer. That, I think, I could live with.”

“The psychologists tell me that won’t work. The consumer would know the difference. Something about ‘empathic realism’ and ‘theory of mind.’”

“Well, we aren’t building this. Not while I’m in charge. It’s barbaric.”

“I hear you. But I think you should look at the numbers first. Right there on the last page. The projections are, well, they’re remarkable.”

“Oh my god! These are accurate?”

“If anything, they’re probably conservative. Simply put, we’d own the market. What do you want to do?”

“They’d actually suffer?”

“They would.”

“People are sick. You know that?”

“You don’t have to tell me, Chief. I was in Customer Service for five years. It’s your call.”

“Fine. Have them put together a prototype. We’ll start there. I suppose Marketing already has ideas?”

“They’ve been kicking some stuff around. No name yet, but there’s a tagline they like. It’s pretty on the nose.”

“I’m afraid to ask. What is it?”

“‘The Printer You Can Punish.’”

“Well, that’s catchy. You realize we’re all going to hell, right?”